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These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: buy drugs online Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Being charged with a crime can be a devastating experience especially when you know you’re innocent. There is always the possibility that you will be jailed for a crime you didn’t commit. No one wants to undergo the pain, anguish, and sense of betrayal that being charged with a crime can bring. And no matter how much you protest, you have no choice but stand trial. You need to defend yourself properly with a criminal defence lawyer.

In almost all cases, the fate of an accused is in the hands of the criminal defence lawyer. The attorney stand as his defender and he is the only wall between the accused and prison. Because of this, it is critical to get an experienced attorney. Criminal defence is a very specialized area in the law. If you fail to get a good attorney, then you are basically opening yourself to baseless accusation.

To help you avoid this fate, we have come up with a list of tips that will help you get a good criminal defence lawyer:

Analyze the biographical information of the lawyer and the law firm – this task is more difficult than it seems because a lot of important cases are kept private by attorneys. Looking at their website, their previous cases, and their clients will give you an idea whether they have expertise in the area though. It is also crucial to determine if the lawyer belongs to a reputable association related to criminal defence. Use the Internet – search engines can yield surprising and very informative results. Try to look for FAQs, articles, and other pieces of information about the lawyer. If someone had a negative experience with the firm, it is also possible that they might have written about it on the internet. Ask your Contacts for Information – if you know someone who went through what you’re going through right now, try to ask for his recommendation. He may know a good criminal defence lawyer who can assist you. Ask for their opinion as well; they might have heard about your lawyer before. Consider Your Special Needs – for example, if you’re a native Spanish speaker, it might be a good idea to seek a Spanish-speaking lawyer as well. That way, you can communicate easily and accurately. Look at Newspaper Archives – look through newspapers or online archives for any publicity about the criminal defence lawyer. It may uncover positive or negative publicity about them in the past. Contact the State Bar Association –determine if the lawyer is in good standing with the state bar. If not, know the reasons behind it. It is highly recommended for you to seek another lawyer if the one you’re interested in is already debarred.

Remember, one of the most important qualifications of a good criminal defence lawyer is their genuine concern for you. If you feel that you’re being disrespected, it might be a good idea to look elsewhere. However, don’t eliminate a lawyer simply because he is too busy. In many cases, in-demand criminal defence lawyer cannot meet you on short notice but this does not mean that the he will not handle your case properly.